Wednesday, December 14, 2005
its funny how things turn out differently...
everything that happened during the holidays was just so... unexpected.
many things have happened...
too many things are left unsaid and promises are forgotten...
at this stage, i really don't know what to do or say...
actually, there's nothing much to do or say cos we should all just move on with our lives.
reflecting on the past is really too painful... yes abel i know self evalution is essential from time to time,
yet i don't exactly wanna face events and memories that have really hurt and confused me so much...
i've been chasing something that was never there in the first place.
i've been dreaming all this while and i just wanna wake up from this dream...
i want to wake myself up before i'm woken up by someone else and when i realise it then,
i know my world will just shatter before my eyes.
dreams are never real...
it hurts so much wake up but...
i really wanna get out of this mess...
i'm really happy right now... its a different feeling from being happy a few months ago.
and seriously, i'd rather be the person i am now.
i don't want to turn back cos the memories are just too painful and scary...
call me a coward, say i don't want to face the facts, but i don't want to turn back and look at it anymore.
maybe i will one day... just maybe one day in the future i might just decide to look back at what happened.
but... when that day arrives, i know that i will look back and laugh...
laugh at my stupidity and my naivity and continue being the happy, confident person.
now is just not the time... i don't want to risk falling into a relapse: entering my dream world again.
evaluation at this point is in the dumpster for me.
haha... i don't really know what i'm talking abt... its a bit scary... i'm just writing down random random thoughts. like i said, too many things have happened. i admit, i am a naive, innocent, gullible, stupid girl... believing everything would turn out just fine. sigh... God... thank you for being there... i just wanna thank you. cos u have seen me thru all this. even thru the mess i was in u were right there beside me. even tho i threw my tantrum, refused to listen, disobeyed u and continued being the rebellious naughty child. despite all this, u were there for me. and i just wanna thank you. 2005 has really been a very hard year. a learning experience, a crazy adventure, a mad rush, an emotional roller coaster, a heartbreaking journey, an amusing joyride. right now, i'm rather car-sick. haha. and so i'm cruising along. yet, i know this cruise ain't gonna last. when the school term starts again, its gonna be even worse. i can just feel it: my world is just gonna be on the verge of collapsing on me. yet, it doesn't. cos i know He will always be there and i can be thankful for that.
you know, its so easy to die, but so difficult to live. sometimes, i wish i could just die... and then all my troubles will go away. and i'll just escape into a world where there is no pain or suffering, no more heartaches and confusion. but... i know i'm not here for my own. someone paid the price so i can be here typing and living and disobeying and rebelling and doing the things that i am called to do.
sometimes i ask: God, are u really there??? HELLO... can u even hear me, why am i going thru this crap? haha... but soon that question fades away. ask me why, but i don't exactly know myself. when such a human, such a childlike tantrum-ish question pops into my head, its the inner witness, that grown up spirit in me that speaks to me. and in the midst of my confusion that the still, small, soft voice speaks. u know, Jesus said that the Holy Spirit will teach us what to do when He is not on earth anymore. truely, the Holy Spirit who lives in us is not only a teacher, but also a comforter. i have always known Him as a comforter. so that when i'm down, i know that He will know what to say to me to lift me head up again. its quite amazing really.
oh well... i'm really hungry. i shall go get a bite now. sugar levels are dipping. =)
2:35 pm
soak up the son
